Regrets
by ArtemisRide
Summary: Aliaster reflects on Irina's death. Spoilers for In too Deep. For Blood.Revenge.Death's contest.


**Disclaimer: I don't own the 39 clues though I am a Janus.**

Alistair mourned. He had lost Irina forever. He hadn't felt this hopeless since Irina married _that man_. That was the first time he had lost her. At least he consoled himself with the knowledge that he would still see her. That didn't stop him from being miserable though. He was happy for her after he saw how happy she was when she had Nickolai, but he was filled with bitter regret. That child could have been theirs. He could have been the one to make her happy. 'Stop thinking that.' he scolded himself. He couldn't think of that now. It was too late. He was already filled with regrets.

Curse him for thinking they couldn't be together because of the age difference. If he truly loved her and she loved him back they could have been together despite that. Curse him for thinking that they couldn't be together because of the Clue hunt. Now look at what the Clue hunt did to him. He lost both parents, his company, and most importantly the women he loved. The only thing he had left was the two kids and the promise he made to help them. Those children didn't even trust him anymore. He didn't blame them. They were right he did help kill their parents, but even that was for the women he loved. He remembered the night Isabelle convinced him to end Hope and Arthur Cahill. That was another one of his biggest regrets. In a way even that was for the women he loved.

_Flashback_

_"Come on Aliaster. Think of the rewards." Isabelle had said. Her voice was sickly sweet, venom dripping off of every word. She truly was a snake. A cobra even more so than both her children combined._

_"No Isabelle. I will not be like my uncle and end a life for the hunt." He said stiffly. He had never liked Isabelle. He heard of all the murderers she had committed. _

_"Don't think of it like that. Think of it as bringing honor to your branch. Those pesky Cahills have always been a problem for every branch. I do not need you, but I am sure you will be useful. After all even those idiot Holts are coming. Do you wish for the Tomas to best you?" She continued. It was tempting. He was always considered a failure, and if he brought the location of an important clue he would be honored. Not to mention he could not let the Tomas win. But he couldn't cause two innocent children to be orphaned. He thought of the day he lost his father along with his mother. He could not remember how long he cried. He did remember how shattered he felt on the inside though. No words could console him. No, he would not inflict the pain he felt on other children._

_"I stick by my answer Isabelle. I will not murderer in cold-blood. I am sure we can find the clue in another way." At this she glared at him. She sighed. She had always hated doing the dirty work and having to research for clues. Manipulating and killing had been what she did best._

_"Oh well. I guess I will use Irina to replace you. It doesn't matter who goes. We just need enough people to make them hand the clue over. Besides Irina does owe me." She said with a smirk. No! He would not let Irina do this. He would not let her become a pawn. _

_"Leave Irina out of this. I will help you." She smiled a cold, deadly smile. She now had his weakness. At that time he did not realize she would use this against him years later._

_Flashback End_

He still had nightmares about that night. He really was no better than Bae. At least he could see his mother even if she wasn't fully there. Even if he didn't start the fire he was still to blame. But at least he did saved Irina from that same gnawing guilt. If only he could save Irina again. He should have let her gone in his stead. At least he would have died knowing he did some good for his love. Oh how he had tried to show her his feelings. He thought he made it quite obvious. Now she was gone. He only had the letter she slipped into his hand in her final moments. He slowly opened it.

_Aliaster_

_When you get this I'll be dead. I need you to know I have always cared for you in a way that is more than just friends. Back from when we first kept on meeting while trying to get the same clues. You would accuse me of stalking you and I would threaten you with my poison nails. You were right though. I did purposefully look for the clues I knew you were after. I wanted no needed to see you again. It hurt me when we were forced to grow apart. I felt the familiar pang when I was forced to marry. The only good thing that came out of that was Nickolais but even he had to go. I promised to myself then that I would never let Isabelle hurt anyone I cared about anymore. When I heard you were at that island I knew I had to help you. I saved the Cahill children because they reminded me so much of Nickolais. Please Aliaster, protect them. They'll need it. Isabelle won't stop until they are dead or her puppet. Goodbye Aliaster._

_-Irina_

Tears dripped from his cheeks and stained the letter. He quickly folded it up before it could be ruined. Why Irina? He was supposed to protect her. She shouldn't have died like this. She didn't deserve to die like this. She was right about one thing though. They all really were puppets in Isabelle's cruel game. Pawns. He would protect the children. Not only for her but for himself. They didn't deserve that. The joy he felt when he heard that she loved him was diminished by remembering that he lost her again and this time forever.

**Hope you liked it. It's my first 39 clues fic. Review please.**

**-AR**


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